Panchu vandhuttan

Today, I lost one of my dearest uncles, my mom’s brother, Panchapakesan, “Panchu mama”. 

Panchu mama was a favorite uncle of the family, energetic, fun, and helpful. As I reflect on his life and my association with him, I realize how much of an impact he has had on me and the lessons I can learn from him

Paropakari. Yes! That is the Tamil word that comes to mind when I think of him. Many traits distinguished him, but none more than his willingness to help others. Mama gave what he had –  he got things for people with no differentiation between his own and others’. Till the time he was active and healthy, he rendered so much help to all, being with them in good and bad times, more so during the latter. Whenever we needed help, a source of courage, moral support, advice, and assistance of any kind, we used to reach out to him. Be it marriage, illness, admissions to colleges, mama was always there. His sheer presence made one feel that things will be taken care of. Add to it his sharp mind that could come up with creative ideas, you have someone who gave so much to others

Mama was always fun to be with. He loved children and we thoroughly enjoyed his company. Be it getting us things we enjoyed having, his jovial nature, his ability to set aside stature and hierarchy, you felt so joyous and comfortable in his presence. My first memory of him was my visit and stay at his house in Irumbuliyur, Tambaram, when I was a toddler still. I requested him to get me a plastic bucket to store salt (how funny it sounds now!) and used to bug him everyday upon his return from office. He did not disappoint and got me a green-colored bucket (my favorite color) with large black, floral designs. We had it with us for a very long time. He took my sister and I to his place in Mambalam when my mom had a serious health condition and cared for us so well such that we do not get bogged down by our situation. During my teens, when I used to fall ill quite often, he used to accompany my father and I to various hospitals. As late as a few years ago, even after his coronary bypass surgery, he was with me when my father underwent cataract surgery. I can go on and on and on

He made everyone feel so welcome. In mama’s house, nothing was out of access – he made us feel as if it’s our own house, open to anyone to have anything. I vividly remember the sack full of mangoes that he once got, which all of us children enjoyed over weeks and months. He got cable tv connection in his house, for all of us children to watch cricket matches. I so fondly recollect the India-South Africa series, the India-West Indies series, and the many more games that we have watched together as family at his place. Whenever there was an important match, we used to troop down to his house and have fun. Only a very noble soul can do so much for others, without a sense of differentiation or discrimination

Mama got exposed to the harsh realities of life very early on. He started work in his late teens to support his family. This built in him an extraordinary knack to solve problems and face any difficulties with courage. “Panchu vandhuttan”, “Panchu has arrived”, was often a sigh of relief, courage, and comfort, all at once. He was often equated to Lord Hanuman, a man for all seasons!

As I reflect on his life and my association with him, I realize how important it is to be of help to others, to embrace and make everyone feel welcome, to be a source of joy and stand by your people when they need you

Namaskaram mama! You were a proof that it is possible to live a life, more for others than for your own. You were a Degree on life that I received. I pray to the almighty for your final, peaceful onward journey

Vipassana – A sensational experience!

Have been wanting/ debating to write about this for some time now. Finally decided to pen it.

I underwent the 10-day Vipassana course, as taught by Shri S N Goenka in December 2016, in the holy town of Thiruvannamalai. Some 100,000+ people participate in their meditation courses each year all over the world, so I don’t need to mention about how well it was organized or how well thought through each and every aspect of the practice and attendant paraphernalia was. The fact that these programs are run by volunteers with very few permanent staff and on a voluntary contribution basis is a testimony to its appeal and a lesson on how to create sustainable organizational models

Now to the experience itself. While we were taught the technique (preparatory and the eventual one) of Vipassana, which is essentially about observing the sensations in your body, the instructions mentioned that our mind will run either into the past or onto the future and over a period of time, we will observe a pattern as to where it gets directed to. In my case, while there were no specific events or images or thoughts that kept recurring, there was an underlying driver to what was occurring in my consciousness. Whether I was imagining something in the future or reliving my past, it occurred to me that my thoughts and indeed my actions, nay my life itself, is driven by what I call a constructed image of myself. Yes, deep in me I have built a certain idea/ concept / image of myself. I don’t know how this came to be but I know for sure that it is. Ironically, when I tried to define it, give a shape to it, visualize it, I just could not. The whole image was fleeting, ephemeral without definable attributes. Then I wondered if this is what is called “Maya”, illusion. As much as I understand advaitic philosophy, it does not consider the world an illusion, contrary to what many people think. Instead it considers the thought or idea that we are separate from the world around us is an illusion. This separation in turn is due to the identity we develop about ourselves, the image I came to discover.

Vipassana was a great experience and it made me realize I am not living my life, instead I am living my imagination. Wake up!

Meditative Ecstasy at Denkanikotta

Denkanikotta is a small town near Hosur, about two hours’ drive from Bangalore. It is most famous for two temples – the Baytarayana swamy temple and the Narasimha swamy temple.

I first visited the Narasimha swamy temple, which is up a small hillock some 7/8 years back and quietly forgot about it. The next opportunity to visit the temple happened a few months back. I went there with my parents and relatives. The peace and quiet of the place struck me. After the customary darshan (the main sanctum sanctorum is inside a small cave, where one has to really crawl and reach) we came out and circumambulated the peepal tree. The view of the horizon from the place is simply breathtaking – hills, lush green fields with very little human contamination. I very much wanted to sit there and meditate but keeping so many relatives waiting for me didn’t sound right or feasible, leave aside the fact that meditation in such places is best done in solitude. So I returned, but was very sure I would be back.

The next opportunity came last Sunday and I made the most of it. I reached the temple from my cousin’s place in Hosur by around 10.15 am. After a good darshan and archana, I sat just outside the sanctum sanctorum in meditation for close to an hour-and-a-half. Despite so many visitors, I had quite a good spell of meditation. Close to noon, I had to leave the place as the temple was to be closed. I came out and headed to the peepal tree. Luckily, behind the tree are a few steps where one can comfortable sit. The best part about this place is that it overlooks the horizon, with hills, farms and everything natural around. I used it for my next spell of meditation. It is an experience I have never had before! Firstly, my body was absolutely still. An on-and-off practitioner of meditation since 2003, I have never felt my body so motionless. There was complete stillness, barring the occasional niggle or nerve pull due to cramping. I tried the meditation technique that Bhagwan Sri Ramana Maharshi advocates – to ask the question who am I? When you do so, the first realization is who itself is asking this question. The key is – this questioning does not happen at a verbal level – you do not “talk” these words to yourself as any self-talk is. Instead, you raise these questions “existentially”. While I did so, I also got the answer from within (again non-verbally) that I am not the body. There was clearly a separation between the body and I. The “I” increasingly appeared like a screen behind, able to clearly identify the body as not itself. I reached stages when the body did not even seem to exist. The only occasions when it did were when there was an occasional niggle here or a nerve pull there. Even when these happened, it was clear that it wasn’t happening to “I” as I normally consider myself. The correct statement to make was not – “I have pain”, instead, “there is pain”. Yes! There was pain and the pain had no impact on “me” whatsoever. It wasn’t any kind of sedation, rather a very alive recognition of the niggle or nerve pull. Just that it wasn’t happening to "me". It just was happening. While this realization of I am not the body was occurring, a gentle breeze blew and I could feel the joyous sensation in the skin. That is when a flash of realization happened – that even though I am not the body, it is only through the body that I can experience the world. It is nature’s kindness that it has given us this body with which we can enjoy its brilliant creations.

After about 45 minutes of ecstatic meditation, I opened my eyes to further ecstasy. I saw the horizon and this time it was clearer that it was not the body which was seeing. In fact, when we see (or for that matter undergo any experience), there is an in-built sense of an entity that sees. It is a concoction of our body and what we think to be ourselves, which let me call as “I”. The experience is mixed up with this “I” and leads to all kinds of reactions – passion, anger, happiness, etc. The “I” is very much entwined, mixed up and is part of the experience, shall I say, involved. However, this time, it was absolutely clear that it was not this “I” which was experiencing. The body was there, the eyes were there, but the one seeing was, again, a “screen behind”, a different I. This “I” was neutral to what was being seen. The experience did not create any reaction, even though the seeing and the sight were very much alive, as in, it was not lack of interest which led to this non-reaction. In fact, “I” was neither interested nor uninterested in the seeing. It just was seeing, rather, witnessing. I had a strong realization that this “I” is what I am. While all this happened, this “I” could clearly identify the body and also realized that it is like a telescope, an instrument to experience the world not the one experiencing it. I vividly remember the greenery I saw in front of me and this seeing was clearly different from anything else I have seen before. I also realized that there is no clear point of switch over from the “I” that is seeing and what is being seen, rather it’s a continuum.

I then came down from the hill in my car and had the residue of the experience for about 15-20 minutes. While driving the car, again there was no “I”. Normally, when a person crosses the road while we are driving, “we” respond and react. Our sense of who we are (the “I” again) is very much involved in this process. In fact it is this “I” that is reacting and responding (or so we think). But this time, this “I” was absent. Yes, I was driving the car and was doing everything that I usually do – shifting gears, applying breaks, swerving, et al. But this time, I was not involved in it. And there was absolutely no tension, no nervousness, in fact no inner reactions to anything happening on the road. It was as if the car was being driven. Yes! The car was being driven.

As I motored along, the residue slowly winded down and ultimately vanished. The “I” once again became the “I”. But the experience left a lasting impression.

Your Attention Please!

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I came out of a serene spell of meditation. I have noticed that if a spell of meditation has been deep, quietening and centered, like the calm water of a placid lake, it leaves me with a post-meditative peace and poise, the depth and length of which is usually proportional to the quality of attributes stated above. There is a certain calmness, a deliberate slowness and high attentiveness to whatever I do. If I eat, I chew the morsels of food slowly and for long, much longer than I do, with attention completely on the chewing. If I walk, the walking is more in the moment, alive and attentive rather than in absentia. A sip of water is fully retained in the mouth, with its cool nature felt in the entire layers of my tongue and mouth, well tasted. Its gentle gliding down the tracts of my food pipe is fully experienced till it vanishes in.

The spell I experienced was definitely a very good one. I chose to wash my yoga mat shortly after this spell and the insight I got is well worth documenting. The mat had caught a lot of black-colored stains as it is laid on the floor, at home as well as outside. Slowly (I am characterizing my action as slow, only in comparison to how I usually perform them. Otherwise, the speed of my action in this instance was what my Being naturally directed me towards) and deliberately I took out the mat, laid it down, splashed water. Remarkably, I noticed almost each and every square-inch of the mat – whether it was wet or not! Usually, I just throw water and get a general sense of whether the entire surface is wet and choose to splash more water based on whether some parts of the mat is still not wet. But the focus is never at such a narrow level, where in I naturally and automatically observed where all is the mat covered by water and where not. This deep attention to what was happening during the washing process continued in a positive spiral. And the pay-offs were many. For example, I could throw the next splash of water only on specific, small areas which were still dry. The quantity of water used was much less since it was thrown precisely where it was required. The pressure used by my hand was just what was required, nothing more – saves energy and potential pain. Once the mat was all wet with soap and water, I used a brush to rub and remove the stain. The experience was even more remarkable. I paid (naturally, without an externally induced “will”) a high degree of attention to the stain in each ”square” of the mat (the mat is designed in horizontal lines, with small square-shaped protrusions running next to each other). My hand took the brush to “exactly” and “only” to those squares which had stains. Again, the amount of pressure my hand applied to remove them was “just” what was required, much less than when I usually perform this action, rigorously. Like this, I moved my hand from one stained square to the next and completely washed them. I was also able to carefully observe the impact of my brushing on the mat – some parts of the mat were peeling off and I noticed this immediately and applied lesser pressure, thereby minimizing the damage.

I gathered some very important insights from this experience. The foremost being, the most important requirement to solve a problem, is perhaps ATTENTION – deep, undivided and intense attention. Such attention helps one size up exactly what the problem is, where it is and what is just sufficiently required to solve it. Secondly, mindful performance of a task is probably the most efficient way of doing it – in terms of the resources used, time taken as well as in channelizing energy only to areas which need them. Thirdly, you are IN the problem as well as in the solving of it. Let me explain this with another experience. After washing the mat, I had a glass of Bournvita (yes, I still drink Bournvita!). I added a spoon of Bournvita and sugar to milk, then gently and mindfully stirred it. While doing so with intense attention on the stirring, I felt it was not the mixture which was dissolving into one another, but “myself”. Mindfulness perhaps dissolves the barrier that gets erected between us and the tasks we are performing, thereby bringing the full energy of “us” in to the task. Lastly, mindfully performing a task makes it a “characterless experience” – there is no passion, excitement, aversion, et al – the experience simply IS. This leads to no stress and very little strain, if any

The Misery of Understanding

We all try to Understand – understand life, death, fortunes, misfortunes, people, why something is the way it is and many other things which are important to us. Volumes and volumes of literature have been produced on meaning, purpose and the like. Many movements, ideologies, gurus, cults have promised or attracted a vast stream of followers to help with Understanding – of life, the cosmos, the individual in question and what not. Many historical events, not always peaceful, have been triggered due to misunderstanding (which to me is just a variant of understanding).

Before proceeding further, let me try to define Understanding. I refer to understanding as an attempt to form a coherent mental, emotional, intellectual picture of a phenomena, where in we would know all its aspects, the cause-and-effect relationships, the exceptions if any, such that we can say we ‘know’ it, are ‘comfortable’ with it and generally feel there is nothing that the phenomena has which lends an element of uncertainty to us about it.

Given this, my proposition in this article is as follows –

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The very need to Understand (and by corollary, to be understood) is a cause of problems, nay misery.

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The need to Understand distorts the core of our existence, in fact often times destroys it

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   This need originates and perpetuates an illusory process, from whose grip we struggle to get out, very often unsuccessfully

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The purpose of life (I doubt there is one) is Existence, which obviates the need to Understand. I would even go on to say that understanding does not exist, only existence does

Why does the need to understand cause misery?

The attempt to understand can and often times leads to misunderstanding, which causes misery. When we try to understand, it is impossible to always only understand, avoiding misunderstanding completely.

Secondly, understanding can never be complete. The potentialities that normally exist/exercised by us are limited in comparison to the multitude of dimensions of any person or phenomena, leading to at best a partial or limited understanding of it.

I would even go on to say that misunderstanding or limited understanding is very much a part of the understanding continuum, with no clear point of switch over

Why does the need to understand distort the core of our existence?

Simply because Existence has no component of understanding in it! A tree does not try to understand, nor does a bird or a blade of grass. Even a child, who is perhaps the closest to nature that we can see in a human being, does not try to understand anything or anyone, least of all his (or her) mother whose presence and care is so inviolable to his existence. Despite the absence of understanding or the need to understand, children are indeed born every day and they continue to enjoy their childhood. ‘Grown-ups’ on the other hand, at best experience only periodic snapshots of joy

Secondly, when we try to understand, our consciousness shifts to the mental/emotional/intellectual plane which then tend to dominate our being. On the other hand, there are occasions (this happens often when one tries to be in meditation as also in the twilight zone when one tries to slip into sleep from waking state) when this mental chatter or thought process ‘switches off’ and suddenly a whole new world opens up, a world of calm, of sheer existence. Our senses suddenly become more active. We hear sounds hitherto unheard, feel the weather in our skin much more ‘alive-ly’, find the body a lot less ‘stiffer’ with the boundary between itself and the surroundings getting more and more ‘thinner’ and non-existent. We are more ‘alive’,’ deeper’, ‘stiller’. We also realize, all that our mind was trying to grapple with all along is like an optical illusion that suddenly has become null and void (this can be true for even an intense emotion or pain that one may experience at that point in time).

So to be alive, to exist, there is no need to understand anything. On the contrary, trying to understand distorts existence

What is this illusory process that I refer to?

As stated above that the need to understand originates and perpetuates an illusory process, from whose grip we struggle to get out. Yes! There are no questions and therefore no answers in Existence. Questions and answers arise only in our attempt to understand Existence. The origin of questions and the consequent need, nay a malignant desperation, to find an answer is a tragic conspiracy that our minds weave.

Let me explain.

The most potent questions which create tectonic agitations in us, which threaten to declare the whole enterprise of our lives ‘meaningless’ unless answered, simply vanish when we go to sleep! Secondly, if were to maintain a diary of ‘existential questions’ that bother us at various points in time of our lives, we would have evidence to prove to ourselves that what is existential at one point in time is inconsequential very soon. Thirdly, as I have stated above, the moment we try to quieten our mind (or say ‘switch it off’) we realize that not just the questions, but our thoughts, emotions and all that we were experiencing seem to evaporate into nowhere

Therefore doesn’t the very authenticity of the questions come into question?!

Worse, in seeking to find ‘answers’ we go on a desperate search like headless chickens. We read, write, listen, ask, follow, argue and defend ideologies, frameworks, practices and what not, which promise to lessen our agony. Even worse, in our attempt to find answers we encounter words which at first sight seem to help but in reality take us deeper into the cesspool. For example, to answer the question why someone is rich and someone else poor, we may come across words like fate, destiny, sin, etc. We immediately go on a semantic tailspin expending all our energy trying to understand these terms forgetting the fact that they were mere instruments which we came across for our work

Finally, an answer to a question is never final or complete. It only leads to more questions. So a question, non-existent in the first place, sets off a circular chain reaction of questions and answers which have no end. We are left high and dry, akin to a dog trying to catch its tail! Some one seems to be having a good laugh at our expense!

Life is to exist, not to find purpose

(Before saying anything further, I mean ‘to exist’ as being ‘alive’ in the fullness of consciousness and not as being a slothful, passive recipient of what happens to us)

I feel we come into being simply to live. Perhaps our coming into being is itself the achievement of a purpose we cannot know. There is no further purpose or meaning to be extracted from life.

To explain, let me go back to nature – does the tree have a purpose, does the bird have a purpose, other than to just live? Well, one can argue that the purpose of the tree is to produce fruits, but that is a very limited argument, for the tree does a lot more than just bear fruits. For a moment even if we were to accept that bearing a fruit is one of the purposes of the tree, it may be so only to beget another tree, for the cycle of existence to continue. In essence, the underlying purpose (if one were to consider it so), is existence and nothing else

In conclusion, perhaps when we abandon the need to understand, we no more will need any philosophy and life might just become blissful!

I AM

Recently, I was very fortunate enough to travel to the Himalayas. There is something inexplicable about the mountain ranges that I enjoy. They instill in me a certain silence and peace which I yearn for. During this trip, I could visit some extremely beautiful places – valleys, rivers, apple orchards in full blossom, flower gardens. I enjoyed the experience thoroughly and thanked nature for having provided such lovely objects of joy and happiness.

I then reflected upon the experience of silence and peace to grasp them better - What was happening within me? How did I feel? What did I experience? Why did I find it so good? I realized it was so difficult to explain that experience/state in words. I can even say that the state of peace was “Nothing”. 

As I dug deeper to characterize the experience, I realized that the experience was not something that was “happening to me” - I was not happy! I was not joyful! I was not peaceful! Happiness or joy weren't characteristics that “I” was experiencing. They weren’t possessions that “I” was holding. On the other hand, when I “thought” I was happy, “I” was not happy! Instead,

“I” WAS Happiness itself.

When I thought I was joyful, “I” was not joyful! Instead,

“I” WAS Joy.

When I experienced Silence, I didn’t feel silent. Instead,

I was the SILENCE

There is nothing to me apart from the experience. In fact,

I AM the experience.

Or further still, I simply AM.

May be I just got a clue to understanding the biblical statement I AM THAT I AM. I learnt that the word Jehovah means I AM! Aham Brahmasmi!

Thou shall never find peace

Sorry to disappoint, but thou shall never FIND peace. Yes! The operating word is “find”. For peace is not a key that you lost somewhere to be found.  Nor is it an answer to a secret question that you have to crack.

Let me explain-

Imagine a glass of water placed on a table. It is still. When the table is moved a bit, the water gets agitated. In a while, the disturbance stops and the glass of water is still again. Suppose we consider the first state to be peace and the later to be disturbance. We realize that peace was always there. And when there was disturbance, peace didn’t "go" anywhere, it was n’t lost. The characteristic state of the glass of water changed from peace to disturbance. The moment the disturbance died down, there was peace again. In fact one can argue that peace and disturbance are not opposite of one another. On the other hand, they are inseparably linked! Yes! Absence of peace is disturbance, but so is absence of disturbance, peace.

Another example.

Imagine we open the door of a room and find it pitch dark. A common reaction from many of us would be – “there is no light here, it is so dark”. In essence, absence of light is darkness. Similarly, absence of darkness is light, though we do not find this expression in common usage - we do not often say, "it is so bright here, there is no darkness". So light and darkness, as many have said, are two sides of the same coin. One does not have an existence independent of the other. We can’t choose to have only one and not the other.  You try to remove one side of the coin; you will end up erasing the coin itself.

This possibly gives a clue to peace within us as well. We often want to “find” peace.  Let us try and remember those moments when we felt we were at peace. During those moments, did peace “come” into us from somewhere outside? Or was it always there “inside”, like in the glass of water? As in the above examples, can we say - absence of disturbance in us is peace and the absence of peace is disturbance? If so, can we ever have only peace and no disturbance? Or does peace have no meaning or existence without disturbance?

Shall thou ever “find” peace? I doubt so.